My Story — Why "I Wrote So I Would Not Fade"?

 My name is Jean Hatoum.

I am a writer from Lebanon, and I began writing seriously in January 2026.

I did not begin writing because I had a plan to become an author.

I began writing because I needed something to occupy my mind.

I needed somewhere to put the feelings.

I needed a way to translate what was happening inside me into words before my head went somewhere darker.

Writing became a coping mechanism. A way to remain present. A way to hold on to a thought, a feeling, a sentence — anything that could keep me here for a little longer.

And eventually, those words became a book.

Why I Wrote

I Wrote So I Would Not Fade was born from pain, exhaustion, and a long period of trying to be heard.

For years, I tried to ask for help.

I reached out. I explained. I waited. I tried again.

I kept believing that if I spoke clearly enough, someone would understand. That if I explained what was happening to me, someone would see the urgency. That somewhere, somehow, help would arrive.

But after so many attempts and so many closed doors, I became tired.

I was hurt.

And eventually, I was done being silent.

So I wrote.

I wrote because I wanted to tell my story.

Not because I believe my story is more important than anyone else's.

But because I know what it feels like to suffer in a room full of people and still feel completely unseen.

I know what it feels like to ask to be heard and feel as though your voice disappears before it reaches anyone.

This book is what remained after I stopped trying to make my pain easier for other people to understand.

The Book

I Wrote So I Would Not Fade is a collection of poetry, prose, and fragments gathered from a very personal place.

It speaks about trauma, memory, identity, fear, survival, and the parts of ourselves we try to hide.

It does not offer easy answers.

I do not know how to make suffering beautiful.

I do not know how to turn pain into a neat lesson.

I only know how to write honestly.

And I hope that somewhere inside these pages, another person recognises something familiar.

I want the reader to feel seen.

I want them to feel heard.

I want them to understand that they are not the only person in this world fighting battles in silence.

You do not have to carry everything alone.

At least, I hope you do not.

Who I Was Before Everything Collapsed

Before my health deteriorated, I spent more than ten years working in operations, administration, insurance, customer service, and business coordination.

I worked with clients.

I managed relationships.

I supported businesses.

I coordinated operations and more than thirty events across Lebanon and regional markets.

I managed the servicing and relationships of more than 3,000 clients and group accounts.

I built a professional life around being reliable.

Around showing up.

Around solving problems.

Around being the person who could be counted on.

I never imagined that one day I would be the person desperately asking someone else to see me.

Where I Am Now

Today, I feel helpless, unseen, hurt, broken, unwell, and devastated by the cruelty I have experienced and by the absence of the help I have desperately tried to find.

I live with severe PTSD, severe panic disorder, major depressive disorder, and severe suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

My mental health has deteriorated to a point where my life and my ability to function have been profoundly affected.

I experience severe panic attacks.

I have lost consciousness.

I have collapsed.

I have experienced episodes where my body and mind no longer feel under my control.

I have survived more than twenty suicide attempts over the years.

I am not writing that sentence for shock.

I am writing it because I am tired of softening the truth so that other people can feel more comfortable reading it.

I am tired of pretending that I am simply “going through a difficult time.”

I am not okay.

I am still struggling to access the treatment and medical support I urgently need.

Since my situation deteriorated, I have been unable to maintain the life and work I once had. I have no longer been able to function professionally as I used to, and my family is also struggling financially.

There are days when I feel like a broken person still fighting alone.

And yet, somewhere inside me, there is still an atom of hope.

It is very small.

Sometimes I barely feel it.

But it is there.

And for now, I am holding on to it.

Why I Am Asking for Help

I have tried to find help through many different channels.

I have contacted organizations.

I have asked for assistance.

I have tried to explain my situation again and again.

I have reached out because I genuinely do not know how much longer I can continue without proper treatment and support.

I am now fundraising for my medical situation.

If you would like to understand more about my case or support me, my fundraising campaign is here:

From Panic to Collapse — Trying to Survive

I also want to be transparent about my book.

Any income from the sales of I Wrote So I Would Not Fade is intended to go toward my treatment and medical care.

I am not asking people to buy my book because I believe a purchase can fix everything.

I am asking because this book came from my fight to remain here.

And right now, I am still trying to find a way to continue that fight.

If You Found Me Here

Maybe you found this page because you read something I wrote.

Maybe you found my book.

Maybe someone shared my story with you.

Or maybe you simply came across these words by accident.

If you are struggling, I want you to know something I have spent much of my life trying to believe myself:

You are not invisible just because people failed to see you.

You are not weak because you are tired.

You are not a burden because you need help.

And you should not have to fight every battle in silence.

I am still here.

I am still writing.

I am still trying to hold on to that very small atom of hope.

And perhaps, for now, that is enough.

If you would like to read my work, support my book, follow my writing, or learn more about my situation, you can find everything in one place:

Jean Hatoum — Links, Books, Fundraising & Contact

Thank you for reading my story.

Jean Hatoum

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