Jean Hatoum - Author

  I wrote a book called I Wrote So I Would Not Fade . I wrote it so that p ain would not remain voiceless. I wrote it to map out the exact anatomy of trauma—the locked doors, the hypervigilance, the mood of footsteps. I wrote about what it feels like to leave your body during a panic attack, to step outside the moment, to watch from a distance as if what was happening belonged to someone else. I thought if I mapped the darkness clearly enough, I could survive it. But a map cannot stop an earthquake. Since I published that book, the ground beneath me has completely given way. What I wrote about as abstract horror on the page has become my daily, physical reality. In the book, I wrote about dissociation. About the mind going blank to protect itself from unspeakable fear. I never imagined that this exact survival mechanism would be the thing that destroyed my livelihood. During two severe panic episodes—while my mind was entirely disconnected from my body—I was robbed of insurance mon...

  My name is Jean. I’m 33 years old, and this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. Right now, my health is getting worse every single day. I am suffering from severe PTSD, panic disorder, major depression, suicidal behaviors, and frequent episodes where I collapse or lose consciousness. Recently, I even suffered a heart attack after months of extreme stress and deteriorating mental health. The seizures, panic attacks, and blackouts are now happening daily. I can no longer work because I can pass out at any moment. My mother is also ill, and our family is struggling just to survive day by day. We are behind on bills, rent, medications, food, and medical treatment. We have shared this fundraiser everywhere we can, hoping someone would help, but until now almost nobody has. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. But I’m still trying to hold on. For years, I silently carried trauma from childhood abuse, assault, violence, and severe emotional suffering. I tried to survive alone, but my ...